Misplaced Envy
I have quite a few friends at this point who have assorted varieties of blended families (a term I prefer to “broken families”): shared care, sole care, step children etc.
Without exception, they all struggle with their situation: not having enough time, having only certain times, having just weekends, limited summer, holidays and the endless negotiations with ex-es (no matter how good the situation might be) over every last thing.
So the funny (and I don’t mean ha-ha) thing is that I’m envious. I’m envious of the “single time” they have, the freedom during whatever time period to be whomever they choose, without worrying about the care and feeding of small people. To be able to sleep late, eat cookies for breakfast, and not answer questions about everything all day long.
And yet I can’t imagine not having Bean and Boogah all the time. I resent being away from them, choose time and again to be with them, to put them first, to give them top priority. This is what I chose when I became a parent, as did, I’m sure, all of my friends.
And I can’t imagine how hard it is to close the door of that child’s room, to say “have a good week”, to not kiss them goodnight, not having to argue about brushing teeth, insisting it’s bedtime, reading another story, not having the sticky kisses, or the clothes/shoes/toys strewn about.
I don’t think I’d trade.
I have a full week ahead of me in which I have free nights that will make it easily possible for me to complete a 25 page paper on time and be done with my homework. Still, I’d prefer to lose sleep if only my daughter was here this week and I hadn’t shut her door last night when I came home and felt that “click” of deflation in my heart as the door closed. The time is a mixed blessing.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:03 pmI will say, though, that always chosing time with my daughter over even a small amount of couple-time with my ex had a devastating and long term affect on our relationship. It wouldn’t have made a difference in the end to where we are now. But it certainly wasn’t healthy for anyone. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
I do wonder if we all have kids that we intend to raise in an intact family until they are grown, why so many of us become blended families. That’s a big, big question with no easy answers.
I was separated for a year, and yeah…those things you mentioned can be nice. But it sucks in a BIG way to have the kids gone. So you’re right to not want to trade.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:40 amI don’t think I’d trade either. My “me” time is when they’re safely tucked in their beds for the night. Most days I’m ok with that.
November 17th, 2009 at 9:16 amI can see being envious of the occasional divorced parent who actually has a non-shitty arrangement worked out. Let’s face it, I am not suffering by any reasonable definition.
But was it fun getting here? Not so much! Would I trade my present circumstances for a better marriage that didn’t need to end? Um… assuming I somehow got exactly the same awesome kid and circumstances conspired to ensure I still took up salsa at some point… probably. That’s a tough one.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:33 pm